From the age of 4 years old I suffered sexual abuse from a person that should have loved me but instead he would beat me unless I did what I was told. I was raped by the same man. The man that I should have respected, the man that was supposed to love me as a son. But instead I was his toy until the age of 16 when he left.
Phew the pain and torture was over, I had never told anyone as I was told it would be me that would go to prison because it was my fault. But I was now out of the situation and I could sleep at night. Not that I did because I always worried he would come back when I was asleep.
Then at the age of 19 I met my girlfriend who later became my wife. Life at the start was good. Someone loved me for who I was. (Well that’s what I thought). I would go to work and earn the money but as soon as I asked if I could have some money to get some lunch and a drink at work I was told "no you can't" I would ask where the money had gone and was told that if I did not shut up then our marriage was over. So I put up and shut up, Things were that bad that on my way to work I
would pop past my mums and she would give me £1 to get a drink at work, I was 21 years old. This made me feel totally wothless in itself. I had no one other than my wife and mum so I held onto what I had. I just went to work and got on with life although not happy as I would cry on the way to work. I could do this easily as i worked all over the uk and did 8 hours drive sometimes to get to work. So no one would see me cry and no one could judge me, it was my only escape from what was going on. Things then got worse, I would come home from work and she would have made me a coffee (no not for me to drink) it was thrown over me, this happened several times. I can still smell the burning smell of coffee on my skin now. If someone sits next to me with a coffee i can smell the same as what i did all those years ago. Then came that throwing of plates, pans anything she could get her hands on. I was taught that men don't hit women so I just put up and shut up again. My Marriage was all I had so I would go to work, come home for my beatings and go to bed. I would cry myself to sleep at night, "what had I done so wrong?" I had tried to love someone and give them a great home and in return I would get this. This continued for a couple of years, some night's were good but others were bad. She then left me my world fell apart. The violence had gone which was good but i had no confidence. I was made to feel like i was worthless and all i was good for was to earn money and be a punch bag, that's all i knew from the marriage.
I waited by the phone for her to ring and after 2 weeks of sitting in a house, not wanting to go out or do anything because i thought every one would judge me and that every one was laughing at me. She had done more damage to me than just the physical damage. She had damaged me mentally. Then the phone did ring. Her voice "I’m so sorry" she said "I want us to get back together". She told me she was now living in a B&B in Wales. She told me she was sorry and it would not happen again. I believed her. I thought she would change. She made me believe it was all my fault and not hers, I was the one that felt guilty for our past few years,
While she was in the B&B and before I got there she had made a new friend, a male friend called Danny. I had taken a few clothes with me and thought that when we had talked that we would be coming back to our home, but she had different ideas. There was a knock at the bedroom door, it was Danny. He said “Can I borrow some sugar ?" This is when I found out that he was staying in the B&B room upstairs. For the first week everything seemed ok and to be going well again, but everywhere we went her friend Danny had to come with us. I had in this time been signed off work sick and was getting paid sickness. After a week she told me "We can start again but I don’t want to go back to England”. She had told me that I should give up the house back in England so we could get a house in Wales. This is something I was reluctant to do, don’t ask me why but there was an element of doubt in my head, the house was all I had. That evening I went in my wallet to get some money but it had gone. When I asked where all of the money had gone she stormed out of the room. Danny said “don’t worry mate I will go after her and talk to her for you. ” 4 hours later her and Danny walked in both well and truly drunk. There was not a word from her as she slumped onto the bed. I just lie there not knowing what was going on but as she was asleep I knew I was safe. I just sat there with tears running down my face, what had I done so wrong ?
The following morning I woke up and Danny was in the room with us, my wife looked at me and said “You really need to give up the house” I asked what we were going to do with all of the things in the house “I don't want any of our old items” she explained, "Danny is going to be moving into a flat soon and he is going to be getting his son back so we should give them to him and we will buy all new" . Like an idiot I agreed. It was easier to agree, it did not cause her to fly off the handle then.
Every night leading up to the weekend she would storm out of the B&B. I could not go after her as she would push me back. But Danny would say "don’t worry mate I will go after her and see what is going on", I would trust him and off he would go. He said he was going to sort out our marriage and explain to her that I had not done anything wrong.
Once again they would walk in totally drunk, this would happen every night. Drink had become her life, just like having no money and smoking the butts out of the ash tray had become mine. So the weekend came and we went back to England and filled the car, and back to wales. This happened for a few weekends with the weekdays following the same pattern of her going off with Danny drinking. She would come in from the pub and start hitting me and throwing things at me again. We were back to where we had started.
One night she started again, Danny made out he was my friend and I had trusted him. She started punching me and Danny just stood there. This made me feel worthless and useless, well off she stormed again, this time I thought I’m not going to put up with this anymore. I found all my tablets that I had and decided this was my chance to change everything. So I started popping them in my mouth one by one then by the handful until I had taken them all. Ok I thought to myself, just a case of waiting now. So I waited. Nothing. apart from rushing to the toilet with a bad stomach, I spent hours sat on the toilet. I then laid on the bed and fell asleep, I think I missed a couple of days but then came round to her getting ready to go out. She prodded me and said "Oh and by the way we are going back to the house tomorrow to get the rest of the things, then that is the end of England for good". My suicide attempt had failed, all it had done was gone straight through me.
It was another day and there was always a hope that Danny had spoken to her and sorted out our marriage like he had said. Well tomorrow came and off we were back to England with Danny in tow. On the way back I had lots going through my mind. I was going to be leaving my mum behind, which hurt as she had no one other than me and her family. I was an only child, not only that but I was going to be totally isolated in Wales. We loaded the car and that night we stayed at my mums. After my mum had gone to bed, my wife then started on me in front of her friend, she hit me to the floor after throwing things at me then kicked me in the kidneys. I lay there crying and they sat there laughing.
I got up from the floor I could not take this anymore. I picked up my car keys and my mums hoover, my life could not get any worse. Well it was time for me to put a stop to all of this, I was suffering depression.
I connected the tube of the hoover to the exhaust and then sat in the car. I put the key in ignition, crying my eyes out saying over and over again, I’m sorry but I want to die. I turned the key and the car started to fill with fumes, The next thing I know her mate was pulling the car door open and he took the keys out. "You don't get out of it that easy" he replied. The following day i felt like a robot, we all went back to wales, In the next couple of days I found out that Danny was not just a friend he was more than that, she had been sleeping with him. Each time she had stormed off and he had followed her they had been sleeping with each other down on the beach.
After days in the B&B the landlord came to me and told me , there is nothing here for you all she ever did was abuse you, we heard her the other night and other people in the B&B have come to us and told us what was going on. His advice to me was to go home on my own. I knew he was right but I had no money. I did have a car and there were a few things that Danny had not yet taken from the B&B room, so I packed the car to come home. I phoned my cousin Karen and said I am coming home but I have no money or even any petrol in the car. Karen told me to go to a garage and get them to call her, so I did and she paid for the petrol over the phone.. I was on my way home battered and bruised not only on the outside but also on the inside.
I had nothing left other than an empty council house and the few things I had in the car.
My neighbours all helped me to get my home back to a home. My next-door neighbour was extremely nice to me. I asked "why are you so nice" she smiled and said that she had been through the same. Well to cut a long story short, after a time we got together. I had met somebody that really loved me and cared for me and we respected each other. Money was never an object between us, my life had turned around. Well 12 years on we have 4 children and are happily married. I still suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD, Agoraphobia and PTSD but my life has changed forever the scars will always be there mentally but I don’t have to go to bed crying at night. I now love my life xx I’m a SURVIVOR